Tom Segura Answers The Web's Most Searched Questions

What's up? This is Tom Segura

and I'm doing the, Wired Autocomplete Interview.

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We're all over the place, man. [laughing]

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Why does Tom Segura speak Spanish?

I have a mother who speaks poor English.

She's from Peru, that's her native country.

She came to the United States when she was 30

and she knew like eight words of English.

My whole childhood she spoke to us in Spanish.

I learned Spanish by having a relationship with my mother.

Why does Tom Segura

glove? Is that a sentence?

Who's typing these?

Okay I think I understand this.

I don't know, I might be wrong on this.

On my podcast I one day showed up with one glove.

I mean this is really stupid

but I think stupid bits are the most fun to do.

I would put one glove on and if somebody pissed me off,

I'd go, You get the glove, like that

and it's the dumbest thing.

People really responded to it

and they were like, Oh shit, he's got the glove.

And then I'm at shows now and people throw gloves on stage.

So I'm assuming this is that question

or this is somebody who just arrived in the country

and is trying to get a grasp on the language.

But that's why I glove.

Why is Tom Segura...

Why is Tom Segura's wife called Push?

Good question.

That's a hundred percent Bert Kreischer.

Bert is a fun guy, frat dude

and there's one thing about frat dudes

is that they love nicknames.

I don't think he calls anybody by their real name.

And he calls Christina, Push,

because her last name is Pazsitzky,

but he would call her Pushitzky.

He's like, Oh, Push.

How's Push doing?.

It's a hundred percent from Bert, it's his nickname for her.

What Tom Segura.

What is Tom Segura...

What is Tom Segura's Starbucks order?

Great question.

It has changed over the years.

I would say for the last year

it has been the Nitro Cold Brew.

But check this out, I have a few modifications,

in a Venti cup with some ice and a splash of oat milk.

It's not that crazy and it's not that complicated.

And don't roll your fucking eyes at me, okay?

It's pretty simple,

and if it's too much for you to do

then you shouldn't work there.

And I've been to a few where they go,

Oh we're not allowed to do it.

And I go, Yes you are.

And unless you want this place to turn into a war zone

you're going to make it right now.

What happened

to Tom Segura?

Yeah, he passed away. Isn't that crazy?

I mean, I don't...

There's so many ways this can go,

you can say he evolved.

He's doing much better now.

He's back.

He's still here. I don't know what happened.

I think I'm a work in progress

and what happened is that

I think we're in a good place right now,

I think things are actually...

This is a good time for me.

That question's going to hurt in like 11 years though.

What did Tom Segura do before comedy?

I worked in post-production on reality shows.

I was a logger,

which sounds like I'm hauling wood through the forest,

but what it means is that you type everything said

on the raw footage of a reality show.

It is absolutely mind-bending work.

I was a post-production coordinator.

I worked in a pizza shop.

I was a site rep, which means that you would show up to

a building and just make sure that

production people didn't destroy it,

like these guys did here today.

Yeah, I did those until I was making enough

to support myself as a a full-time standup,

which I would say took about nine years

before I didn't have to have any at least side work.

What did Tom Segura say to Andrew...

[laughing]

Yeah I had Andrew Huberman on, Two Bears One Cave,

he was a guest.

It got millions of views and millions of downloads.

Fascinating, really good dude

who happens to be a brilliant professor. And I

said a joke

that he was like, That is not okay.

You have to cut that. And I did.

And here's the thing that I tell people who ask me,

Will you tell me what the joke was?.

I go, No, because it's his to tell.

I said it, but he asked me to take it down,

therefore it is his to share.

What is the best Tom Segura

special? This changes for everybody,

it's like asking people their favorite movie

from a director or their favorite album from a band.

There is a time where

you are just getting better at what you do.

So I feel like they're actually in kind of the order.

They get better as each one comes out.

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When did Tom Segura, let's see here, start comedy?

I started comedy in 2002.

I have it on tape, I've never watched it.

Maybe I'll put it out soon.

I'm sure it's pretty bad.

When did Tom Segura

get famous?

My first special came out on Netflix in 2014

and it's called Completely Normal,

and that definitely changed my touring life.

And then with each subsequent special, it increased.

Podcasting became much more popular

and so it's just been kind of year by year,

which I think is probably the better way

to get some type of recognition from people.

It's probably better than an explosion of popularity.

And I mean after this interview

I'm probably going to be way more famous, so.

When is Tom Segura next Netflix special?

Is that grammatically a sentence?

Learn English, but it's called, Sledgehammer,

and it comes out 4th of July.

So go out, have a few drinks,

blow off your dad's fingers,

when you get home from the hospital put on, Sledgehammer.

[cardboard crashing]

Oops, sorry.

Here we go.

Who is Tom Segura?

That is a question that I'm always trying to answer myself.

I'm a father, I'm a husband,

I'm a son, I'm a brother, I'm a comedian

and I'm just trying to make it through this life.

I'm no better than you,

I'm just a lot funnier

and I do a lot more cool shit than you do.

That's it, that's the only difference.

Who is Tom Segura touring with?

I try to make my shows not just hilarious shows

but fun shows for me, both on and off stage.

So I bring my friends, I bring great comics.

Geoff Tate, Kirk Fox, Matt Fulcheron,

Ryan Sickler, Brian Simpson.

I bring people that are...

Josh Potter, like that are super funny and fun to be with

and that's what makes a great tour.

Who does Tom Segura

look like?

I mean, I don't know.

Depends what year.

There's my Artie Lange years.

People are like,

You know who you look like, Zach Galifianakis?,

I'm like, Yeah, 'cause we're chubby with a beard.

I don't know, I mean,

it's always just whoever's more popular with a beard

and then they go, That's who you look like.

[cardboard crashing]

Was Tom Segura

in military?

Which Tom Segura are you talking about?

My dad, that was Tom Segura,

retired Marine Corps Captain, Tom Segura.

This Tom Segura was not technically in the military

but I do wear my Oculus

and I go into combat regions pretty regularly.

I've talked to a lot of guys

who say that pretty much counts,

so when I'm boarding a flight

and they say, Active military, you can board now,

I think that's the green light to get on first.

Was Tom Segura on SNL?

No. Never been asked.

Truthfully would love to.

What's up Lauren?

Was Tom Segura a cop?

No, I just have this face and haircut

and I look like, that guy's definitely a narc.

Ever since I was a kid, people have been like,

Are you a police officer?.

Like when I was 14 they were like,

You are undercover, right?.

Tom Segura.

Tom Segura, Jennifer Aniston.

I was doing, Two Bears One Cave,

the podcast I do with Burt Kreischer,

I made up a story that my agents

asked if I wanted to do a movie with Jennifer Aniston.

I said, Yeah, of course I'd be interested.

And that she wanted to pitch me the movie directly.

And then at the end of the story I told him

that I had made it up and he was really upset.

And then he said, Do you think we could meet?

Do you think she would meet with us?,

and I'm like, Yeah, I guess that's possible.

And then we started talking about what it would be like

to go meet her.

At one point he said,

Can she bring a dude to the meeting?.

And I go, Yeah, for safety.

You know, she needs to protect herself when she's with us.

And he laughed so hard that

we just both started crying, laughing

and the clip went viral and then she reposted it,

she shared it and she sent me a message being like,

I thought you and your fat friend are so funny.

Tom Segura, Quentin Tarantino.

I had Quentin Tarantino on the podcast.

I'm a huge fan.

And this is what a crazy thing is that

he had a book coming out,

they're like, Oh, he wants to come on,

and I go, Oh, I would love to have Tarantino on.

Two days before he comes on

his agent sends me a message, says,

Hey the book is coming out,

I don't know if I have time to get you a copy of it.

He ends up shipping a copy of it

to my house the day before I do the podcast,

so like one day earlier.

And I'm like, oh great.

But we come in, you know I have it,

and we're talking on the podcast.

He tells me stories,

he's like, No one's ever asked that question.

I've never told this story before.

It's an awesome, awesome time.

Towards the end of the podcast

I bring up something about the book,

he's like, Yeah, that's what I'm here to talk about.

And I'm like, Oh, right, right.

And he goes, How far are you on the book?.

And I'm like, I don't know, pretty far.

I say something and he's like,

That's like the third page.

And I'm like, Yeah,

and he's like, So you didn't read the book?,

I'm like, I got it yesterday, dude.

Yeah, it's really cool of you to have me on and like...

I thought he was kind of upset about it and I was like,

Damn, he goes, Why didn't you read it?,

I'm like, You guys sent it yesterday.

Like what do you want me to do?.

Tom Segura going to the bank?

I mean I'm doing pretty well,

is that what this is about?

I think that might be a reference to a bit

where I talk about going to the bank.

The guy that works there

wrapping me into one of the most boring conversations

of my entire life, where he took me saying,

How you doing?, literally.

You know, like I mean it like, How you doing?,

and like the courtesy is to be like,

All right, how you doing?.

Like that's the exchange you're looking for

with the door guy at the bank.

And this dude, I go, How you doing?.

He was like, My sister, she's in Virginia

and I'm going to go see her next week.

And I was like, what the fuck are you doing right now?

He told me a whole story about his upcoming travels

and I wanted to stand in traffic.

Tom Segura hologram.

I was absolutely mesmerized by this.

Whitney Cummings is great comic and a producer

and she put together a roast of my buddy Bert Kreischer

and I couldn't make it

and she was like, Oh, I'll just send a crew to your studio

and you can do your set

on this latest and greatest hologram.

I thought it was going to look like,

oh, like sort of a rough image,

like what you imagine a hologram was

kind of from 20 years ago.

Dude, it looks like I am standing in the room.

It is actually terrifying.

Tom Segura kid toilet water.

Again a Bert story where

Bert Kreischer came to my house,

my six year old was five at the time,

he had a cup of water, he goes,

Here you go, got you some water.

And Bert was like, Okay, thanks. He goes, Drink it.

Bert was like, Oh, where'd you get it?,

and he was like, From the sink.

Bert goes, Well you have some first.

And he goes, No, it's for you.

And Bert's like, Did you get this like not from the sink?,

and he goes, No.

He goes, Did you get this from the toilet?.

And my kid goes, No.

And I'm sitting there watching this and I go,

Hey did you get this from the toilet?,

he goes, No.

And I turned to my friend and I go, I believe him.

And then he goes, I don't believe him.

And he won't take it and my kid keeps going like...

So at the time I go, All right.

I just walk to the bathroom,

I see a trail of water from the toilet

all the way out to where he is

and I go, Hey, don't drink it, don't drink.

And I go out there and I go,

Hey man, you got this from the toilet.

And he goes, I'm sorry.

And he just walks away.

I was like, man, I have a couple little psychos.

How did Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer meet?

Doing standup.

The first time we met I believe was in 2003 or 2004,

I'd have to look, but it was at the

Brea Improv, in Brea, California.

I was the MC, like the first guy, the host of the show.

He was the middle act and Jay Mohr was the headliner

and that's when I met Berk Kreischer.

Super nice guy. He was much thinner.

Is Tom Segura alive?

Yeah. At this moment I am.

You know, you can just go at any time.

Does Tom Segura do meet and greets? No.

Not interested.

I don't like the organized meet and greet.

If I'm walking around, yeah I say hi to people.

I always take, if anyone wants a picture,

like I do all that stuff.

I usually am walking in or out of venues

and meet people that way.

If you see me doing an organized meet and greet,

where like you had to pay money

to do a meet and greet with me,

I am in financial trouble.

Does Tom Segura

have a kid?

Yes, I do. I have two.

Their names are Ellis and Julian.

They're two wild dudes, I love them.

They're absolutely fantastic kids.

They keep waking me up,

and that's why I look like this.

People are like, How come you look tired?,

I'm like, Because I am, dude.

They come in at all fucking hours.

I go, Get out of here, get out of my room!,

they're like, Okay.

And then they come right back and they tell me a story,

I'm like, It's fucking four in the morning, man.

I'm losing my mind.

[cardboard crashing]

[upbeat music] I very much appreciate

all your grammatically incorrect questions.

There's a lot of wondering if I'm alive,

feels like people... [chuckling]

Not really paying attention.

Feels like you could just Google my name,

you wouldn't have to go as far as, Is he alive?.

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